


a thousand paper airplanes

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Series: ain't no cure for love [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Flashbacks, Light Angst, M/M, Meta Poetry, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Second Person, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sad with a Happy Ending, mention of dolores that steve is still jealous of, rockaway beach, then later:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 09:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8244727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: he turns and everything you thought you knew goes up in a cloud of smokethe scar on his chin, the tilt of a strong jaw, the effortless way he takes the oxygen out of a room by simply existingthose familiar angles and contours could make a man pick up his weapon and fightwithout ever asking why





	

**[ 2014, 1930's flashback ]**

1\. you're standing in the middle of a crowded subway train with a stamped ticket in your pocket

and two coins jangling together like they might perform a full scale symphony if given the chance

two nights and an encore, they could really be something

and you can't remember ever having seen an opening night but you're positive it'd be breathtaking

now close your eyes, you're standing in a field covered in paper airplanes

they press in close like clover and two wings trump four leaves but who's counting

the airplanes take flight as tall reeds begin to part and he's standing there

hands in his pockets and eyes that bring to mind a compass, _he's the way back_

and this part is important, this is where you belong

there's somewhere you're supposed to be and you're not sure where

but it feels like he's the long awaited answer to a question you've forgotten

he smiles, missing baby teeth and the sun on his shoulders

he is so small and you feel even smaller as you take his hand

"you're late," he whispers

no, you think, you've been waiting on _him_

there are decades between where you are and where you should be

but you will get there, _you will_

 

**[ 2015, 1940's flashback ]**

2\. there's a blue eyed boy with eyes that make you messy and reckless

like maybe the wires inside of your head are tangling and any minute now you'll catch fire

his wrists are china teacups lined with titanium and you want to curl your fingers around the edges

just to see if they've carved out a space for you there

you want to push him up against the wall and press your tongue against his pulse

until you can feel his blood thrumming in your veins

in this dream, he is sixteen and you are out of your mind

you want to leave your mark on him and absorb him into your skin like a permanent bruise

but it is a tuesday and he is bent over a sketch that he will not show 

and you are a coward

 

**[ 2016, 1940's flashback ]**

3\. stone erodes under slow pressure and leaves uneven lines to mark the path they once proudly followed

you are marred from head to toe with touches you only vaguely remember

the one that sticks out is this: you were eighteen and the dirtiest thief that ever came out of brooklyn

a hand on the small of his back, an arm around his shoulders; you stole every last one of them

covered them in sticky pink cotton candy, wonder wheels and excuses that grew into an ominous cloud looming on the horizon

you would let it destroy you if only to touch him in the right way, just the once

but you are not as brave as he thinks you are

 so you take him to rockaway beach and throw yourself at a beautiful dame named dot 

 

one dollar, two, _three_

_smile harder, hold her hand longer, win the stuffed animal, turn away when he stares_

you want to ruin him because this is what you do to love, you sabotage it until it bleeds

 because you are trouble and he is more than the world will ever deserve

you are the brawn and fists with a smart mouth to his squared shoulders and goodness

 you will never be worthy of him and someday a beautiful dame will sweep him off his feet

when it happens, you'll hit the floor like a sinking stone

all bruises and graceless jealousy

all jagged lines and tainted trust

you will stand there with tears in your eyes, thinking

"why couldn't I be that for you?"

 

but, for now, you allow him to drag you around by the arm

and try not to think about how right it feels for his fingers to brush against heated skin

in this universe,

you never reach for his hand and he never lets go

 

**[ 2016, Bucky's apartment]**

4\. picture sunshine filtering in through smudged windows

a golden ray of light forming perfect circle around a heartbeat that would make poets weep

he turns and everything you thought you knew goes up in a cloud of smoke

the scar on his chin, the tilt of a strong jaw, the effortless way he takes the oxygen out of a room by simply existing

those familiar angles and contours could make a man pick up his weapon and defend

without ever asking why

 

5\. with him, it never ends in a fight

 **your beginning goes a little like** : you rescued him and suddenly everything was soft blue

swirled with tarnished gold and skin pale as moonlight

this is your fairytale: boy meets boy and childhood innocence spreads its wings into teenage awkwardness

this is the part where you promised you'd never let yourself love him

but damn if he didn't force your hand

 

 **in the middle of the story** , the hero valiantly walks away but vows to return

but you're no knight in shining armor and heroes don't fight wars for one man

he faces the flames and you never thought he'd love you enough to look death in the eye

and rescue the both of you from its iron grip

but it's easier to lie when the truth is: _he will never be yours_

 

love becomes an avalanche that divides and whiskey wills your throat

to swallow burning confessions when she walks in the room

because he forced your hand and she forced his

and when it's over, when it's really over,

you come to with an arm that doesn't belong to you

and the words "I love him" die on your lips as they shove a newspaper in your face

 so you let them turn you into a machine

because you died the minute the words _Rogers Presumed Dead_ spelled out the end of the line on thick newspaper

 

 **give us a happier ending,** you said this once when the rain was falling in frigid sheets with an ear pressed against a thin chest

tap-tap-tap-rattle-cough-tap-tap...-tap

 _in the future, we are there together. I want to believe we're happy,_ he'd said

it's 2017 and his smile tastes like forgiveness, his palms feel like absolution

he was not late this time

and somewhere, in another universe, a thousand paper airplanes take flight


End file.
